July 22nd, 2010
Last night me and olive were playing on the floor after dinner.. a dinner that took place for the first time on our new patio furniture! finally.. nothing like bbq’d drumsticks.. pasta salad and grilled garlic bread.. daddy came home early to surprise us and enjoy some daylight with us :)
while we were rolling on the floor.. we were lying face to face. and she was laughing her toothy grin having the time of her life.. and I just said out loud ” I will never leave you bubbas” and than it was like this rolling thunder cloud poured over me and hit me like a bus.. one day I will leave her.. and this sweet little baby will be mama/dada ‘less.. (in body form anyways).. it was such a crazy feeling.. I went to bed sad and wanted to wake her up for some more cuddles.. I just lied there thinking of all the badthings that could happen.. someone could break in and take her… we could be in a car accident.. she could drown in a pool… just random unnecessary thoughts that were taking over my brain at midnight when I should have been planning beach trips and walks outside .. when she woke up at 5:45 due to a bottle leak and because the temperature dropped and my little peanut was freezing.. I grabbed a blanket and just cuddled with her.. and when the blanket fell off her back.. she reached down to scoop it back up.. she knew how sweet this moment was.. she even tried to take this opportunity and start talking and wanting to play.. and when she felt my body shift to put her back in bed before I lost the window.. she just lunged into hug mode.. my heart melted..
I always find the sweet in everything! because there is no other way to live.. when you break down the nitty gritty of everything.. all we are here to do on this earth is have fun and love!! that’s it.. yes.. we have to work and do things we don’t like.. but the reason we do it.. is to have money to do more fun things that we love.. and people only want more money .. to do more fun things.. when you think about how easy life can be.. you wonder why these thoughts creep into your head at midnight on a random Wednesday night.. I am thankful that these thoughts don’t happen everyday.. or else I may go crazy.. I remember when I first had Olive and I thought the c section recovery was going to literally kill me.. I took her home and just had these thoughts like.. I love this little thing so much it hurts.. to the point where i wish that I had never had her.. cause than nothing bad would ever have to happen to her.. and I would never have to lose her! I could just selfishly float through life and be alone and no one would ever suffer.. of course.. this doesn’t make to much sense.. I have wanted children my whole life.. and this is why we have children.. to raise them into little ladies and gentleman who conquer the world and learn things daily.. and you get to have pieces of your heart walking around outside your body that are reflections of you..
I mean.. who else can raise a sweet little lady like my olive?!?!
this takes skill.. and a lot of crazy fun!!
well.. I guess we can always rely on Barney! this kid loves him.. its the first thing out of her mouth in the morning.. after naps.. and before bed..
now.. time to get back to the small things…
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