i hate november 15th..

November 15th, 2010

6 years ago today.. we lost Dustins mama :(  it is always such a hard sucky day.. and today will be no different.. it is easier to celebrate ones life on their birthday.. but it is harder to enjoy the day they passed away.. I still remember and think about it like it was yesterday.. me and their cousin had worked all day so they could spend a whole family day with their mama.. coming from a family of work-o-holics.. and busy bodies.. I remember thinking I just wanted them to all be together.. even if it meant they were doing nothing but sitting in a house with each other..  I truly believe that she chose to go on that day.. because she was surrounded by everybody and loved by everyone in her home.. her comfort place.. I will never forget getting the phone call at work.. it was after the dinner rush.. and thankfully our friend who also worked there happened to be sitting in the restaurant having drinks.. and he offered to stay and close for me..  I went to their aunties house.. and just sat there and drank tea.. and cried.. and talked about all the amazing things we could think of to do with barbie.. and there were many.. I let Dustin have his space and grieve.. and he called me when he was ready.. and I just went over there and sat with him.. all night.. we just hugged.. and I tried to be strong for him.. which wasn’t easy.. I cant even remember anyone else in the house.. just the two of us.. I left at 7am.. and even though she was no longer with us.. I still remember respecting her rules of the house.. and feeling guilty for being there all night.. but knew I had to be..

as I quietly crept out.. I remember hearing her best friend knocking on the door.. and it just broke my heart.. the woman who held all barbies secrets.. and fears.. and love was coming to comfort her friends husband.. and at my age of 22.. having a best friend meant more to me than having family around.. and I felt her pain.. I worked the whole week for them.. even though all I wanted to do was be there for Dustin and the family.. but I knew the last thing they needed to worry about was work.. so I went in everyday.. and worked as late as possible.. while his cousin took care of the bills.. and the rent.. I watched the floor.. I will never know if that helped make or break my relationship with Dustin.. but I knew it was what they needed.. just to be together.. 

and so I sit here.. in the rain.. thinking of Barbies infectious laugh.. it truly ran through your body.. and I picture her coming in and sitting at table 41.. and drinking their liter of red wine.. and eating their house salads.. and her aways handing me a wad of rolled up 20’s for my tip.. and I try to smile..

 but it is always a hard day of what-ifs.. and whys.. and if only she was here to see her grand babies in person.. and how amazing of a grandma she could have been.. I remember finding this photo in one of their million photo albums.. and it broke my heart.. cause I just dreamed of it being little Olive spending the night at her grammies house all snug in her arms.. 

…