"and so it is.. just like you said it would be.. "

November 04th, 2010

On Monday night. I talked to my sister.. and she told me that my grandma was on her last run.. and she was coming down to say her goodbyes.. ps.. I hate goodbyes.. even when my sister leaves for the weekend.. I would rather her just pack up and go and leave while I am in the shower.. so that I don’t have to watch my twin womb and ball-of-fun drive back to the okanagan.. and than I walk back into my quiet house thinking.. “why don’t we get together more often” .. than I usually flash to the death-highway-coquihalla and secretly hope for my car to die so I can buy an SUV.. 

but I knew I had to go.. and when you are dealing with someone on their last moments in life.. you don’t get to wait a day.. or maybe next week.. or I will come up after dinner.. because you don’t know if any of those moments will be to late..  so Tuesday morning.. I cancelled my work shift.. packed up the car.. and headed north.. I have not seen my grandma in years.. for no other reason other than I have this sweet image in my head of my lovely Scottish grandma.. sitting on a chair in our living room.. with her curly hair and this lavender purple sweater she would wear.. saying things like.. “ooooh bobby”  and “did you know so and so from my bingo halls son passed away?” she always liked to know what was going on .. which is why I think she is still holding on now.. at the ripe old age of 90.. 

I wasn’t planning on seeing her.. my sister was going to take Olive there to meet her and say her goodbyes.. and I would whisper mine late at night when no one could hear.. but something in me knew I had to go.. and I knew it would wreck my perfect image I had in my head.. but it had to be done.. so we went.. me and my sisters.. and our little ladies.. and it broke my heart.. it wasn’t her.. I think her soul has already left the building.. and right now.. her tiny little body is just holding on for the family..  we told her to go and see papa.. and go to that big old bingo hall in the sky.. she thankfully just slept and rested while we were there.. and Olive just buried her head into my shoulder and would not budge.. not an inch.. until we literally walked through the door jam.. than she sprung back to life and started to strut through the halls like normal.. 

I am now just waiting for the phone call to tell me that she finally crossed over.. 

and now.. I sit here.. in America.. wishing even more that I lived back at home.. to be around my parents.. in their prime.. while they aren’t bed ridden and can still pick up the grand-kiddies.. and give them hugs and kisses.. and me and my sister took the kids to the park.. which doesn’t sound like anything.. but it is when you live almost 8 hours apart.. and you don’t ever get to do those things.. and our kiddies play so well..it was great to see them having so much fun..  and I love how any time I come home.. my older brother stops by to say hi.. and talks and catches up.. and we all get together.. and just talk.. nothing fancy or blog worthy.. we just get to physically see each other..  and was the case two nights ago.. we had amazing Mandarin Palace.. I finally got my yummy chinese food.. and it was good.. and I binged..  and on the drive home last night.. which I didn’t want to make.. I wanted to stay in Canada for a month..  I just listened to old music that brought me back to another time.. years ago.. before children.. and songs I listened to while back packing Europe.. and hanging out at Bostons every night until 5am.. meeting all these wonderful people that literally changed my world forever..  and my heart just ached for home.. and than that ache usually turns to mild rage.. when I think about how I am trying to work while sick because I have to pay to have my child.. and on top of just enjoying having a baby. I have to worry about major bills that will arrive in my mail box a couple months after.. 

I am aware that we all make our own beds.. and I chose this journey.. but I just didn’t think it would be so hard sometimes..  you just assume that “love will conquer all” and it will all work out..  but it still doesn’t take away that I am missing my families lives.. and life moments.. I have received so many wonderful things down here.. and I am just waiting for the best of both worlds thing to kick in..

I want to have my cake and eat it to ;)