October 13th, 2010
My very sweet nurse Keely informed me that if I wanted to.. I am a high candidate for a VBAC.. when she asked.. she thought I wouldn’t be interested.. and when she saw my face light up like a Christmas tree.. she began giving me some information.. I than went into my spiel about how I felt ripped off from Olives birth.. especially while she was asking me questions about how long I labored and fun stuff like that.. when I inserted the answer ZERO.. she looked sad for me.. I exercised daily.. I did my kegels and yoga breathing.. and it was all for nothing.. ok.. not nothing.. but I felt ripped off.. I wanted to walk the halls of the hospital.. I wanted to use the labor balls and squat racks.. our beautiful hospital was equipped with all this magical stuff to get your baby out.. and I just walked in.. at my 37 week appointment.. in an outfit that I actually threw out.. because that day horrifies me so.. it was my first technical day of maternity leave.. (the day before was thanksgiving) and I was about to get this appointment “out of the way” than i was going to get enough groceries to stock my house.. and rent some movies.. and do nothing! I had worked full time on my feet until than.. and I was ready for some Kacey time..
change of plans..
I went to my 10:00 appointment.. and lucky me.. I had this really nice ultrasound tech that was training on my first appt with her.. and now she was on her own.. and so nice.. and than I saw the look on her face.. she was to new to hide it.. she said she would be right back.. 45 minuted later.. I started to pace the room.. I knew something was wrong.. she came back out and asked me to wait in the waiting room.. gulp.. this sweet nurse came out and asked me to drive to triage.. (yes.. get in a car and drive) I told the lady straight out that she had to tell me what was going on .. I was a big girl.. and I needed to know.. she pulled me aside.. and told me my baby was breach.. insert WTF here.. and in almost no fluid.. I instantly burst into tears.. and called dust to get here.. NOW.. NOW.. NOW.. bring my bag and hurry.. I had to check myself into triage all alone and wait to hear what was going to happen.. I was also a gestational diabetes candidate.. and it was now 4 hours since I had ate anything.. and my raging headache.. and blurry eye spots were starting to kick in.. I fortunately had a really nice nurse who told me what was going on.. she said they were going to turn the baby! like it was easy breezy.. I told her she didn’t have to lie to me.. turning something inside my uterus did not sound easy.. she than told me it wasnt.. but I had the best dr who was going ot do it.. (for the record.. I know my doctor.. and he as the biggest man hand bear claws I had ever seen.. and I knew it was going to hurt).. so I started to brace myself for lying on my back at 37 weeks.. and someone reefing on my belly.. ok.. I could do this.. than I would go home.. enjoy my 3 weeks off.. and come back later and have her! um.. no.. I was finally able to see him.. and he walks in.. and right away.. just gives me two options.. he is nota small talk man..
Hi Kacey.. so I can attempt to turn her.. and it will throw you into an emergency C section.. or I will turn her.. you will go home.. and in about a week.. you will wonder why you cant feel her.. and she will be a still born.. so we are taking her out today..
this is me.. not impressed..
umm.. say what?! I burst into tears.. and he just looks at me like I am crazy.. “I thought you wanted to have a baby? why are you crying”.. It was at that time that I didn’t go into my kegel exercise natural drug free birth plan.. I knew what was coming.. I made a few choppy calls to my family.. apparently there is limited cell reception in triage.. they gowned me up.. and I waited.. I cant remember if I called my sister or my mom first.. but I remember telling my sister to be brutally honest with me.. I work better with details..
everything is going to be fine! seriously.. it will be ok.. your baby will be here.. and you just saved your vagina..
I didn’t care about my vagina.. I wanted to labor and rock star this baby into the world.. fast forward 6 long excruciating hours of no food.. no juice or beverage.. I think I was going into diabetic shock.. but there were some more serious c sections ahead of mine.. so I wasn’t about to complain to the nurses.. it was my version of hell.. I hate hospitals.. I usually don’t visit people when they are in them.. I hate the smell.. the fear.. everything.. so I sat in my room.. ready to walk myself onto the operating table.. crying the whole time.. I can barely look at the photos from that time.. a nurse came in all excited.. “its your turn! come on in” I burst into tears.. and Dustin just looked at me like he wanted to scoop me up and run away.. and I had to walk in alone.. I begged for them to let him come in.. but no.. apparently men get angry and hurt nurses to much.. so it was just me.. I walked myself in.. and I remember 4 nurses came running up to me to hug me.. cause I looked so sad.. one really nice woman named bonnie held me while I had the spinal.. it was hell.. they than toss you on the bed.. and start prepping.. they were very happy and playing.. and I think I may of had the best anesthesiologist in the world. this sweet old woman who was so kind.. I specifically told her I didn’t want to be nauseous and I didn’t want to not remember anything.. and let me tell you.. that woman did her job right.. they strapped me to the table.. and I started my panic attack breathing.. counting the roof tiles.. one by one.. than multiplying them to get a total.. over and over.. I kept asking dust to just talk to me about anything.. and he panicked and couldn’t think of a word to say..
both my hands than formed “the claw” and I asked my dr why this was happening.. he just came over and made direct eye contact.. and held my hand like he was my dad and told me to relax.. its what happens when anxiety meets a spinal.. he let go of them.. and they formed right back into claws.. I looked up and saw my innards.. they hadn’t put the sheet up over my head high enough.. and I saw my reflection in the giant operating room lights.. my Dr kept saying.. “she is almost here”just look over there.. that’s where she will be” 10 minutes later.. she was out.. I looked over.. and just had this weird sense.. that I knew she was mine.. I heard her cry.. than I asked the Dr.. if this was almost over.. and he kept trying to direct my attention to the right where Olive flailed and screamed.. but I honestly didn’t care.. I wanted out of that room.. he promised me 10 more minutes of surgery.. and I would be out.. they brought her over to me.. where I met her for the first time.. and was able to give her a kiss.. and look at my little monkey baby.. and she was freaking tiny..
she was a loud baby from the start..
they finished up and wheeled us to the recovery room.. which is where my body went into intense sweats trying to adjust to all the hormones that just came out of my body. they asked if I wanted to hold her. but I didn’t trust myself.. I was numb from the neck down.. with claw hands.. I was not about to drop my new love bug on the floor.. so Dust held her.. while my body started to de-tingle.. I did have a really nice nurse who came up and told me “she didn’t think I was a bad parent cause I didn’t want to hold her” geez.. thanks.. now I am a bad parent.. and I am only 10 minutes into this journey.. my Dr than let 5 of our family members into the recovery room right away..gulp.. and they met Olive.. while I just lied there in pure hell.. thinking I was going to die.. and never walk again.. my hands than calmed down and I felt confident enough to take olive.. actually the Dr insisted on it.. he said it was our time to bond now.. and everyone left.. we were than wheeled up to our room on the 4th floor.. the c section recovery room floor.. and I remember clear as day.. walking by the nurses station.. and Dustin and mine Christmas song came on.. it has always been our song.. and it was playing.. right there.. I know it was meant to be.. from some higher power.. putting me in my place.. telling me to lock it up.. I now had everything I ever wanted.. I was a mama.. and I had my babies with Dustin.. and well.. it was almost Christmas.. that is 3 for 3.. as George Michael’s Last Christmas played for me.. I looked up and just saw Dustin’s giant “thumbs up” above my face.. and i knew I was going to be ok..
I than called my sister the next day.. or maybe she called me.. I remember saying.. you lied to me.. that was hell.. and all she said was.. “Im sorry.. I had to”
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