Happy Halloween..

October 31st, 2010

so last night was our party at work! and I was in charge :0  I love doing these things.. and when Auntie Jen offered to take Olive over night if I host the event.. I of course agreed..  It ended up being a lot of fun.. and I was up until 2am.. yes.. 2am..  I decided to go to Party City a couple days ago and I was only allowing myself a $19.99 costume.. cause.. why not.. I usually go overboard.. and lord knows I wasn’t into anything scandalous this year.. so I went and had 5 options.. 3 of which were hoe-clothes.. not for me.. one was a giant spirit in a woman’s size large.. I went to get it.. but they were out.. so.. I was Rydel High cheerleader.. perfect.. long.. warm.. red and white.. I never thought to try it on and right before I went to work.. I slipped into my outfit.. and woops.. never factored int he little pot belly.. ok.. now I am a pregnant Rydell High cheerleader from Grease..  and right where the waist band was supposed to sit.. was my baby.. so I tried higher and lower.. and there was no way around it.. I was a preggo cheerleader for Halloween.. 

and Dustin was big bird.. and he rocked it.. orange tights.. pink duct tape legs.. yellow fuzzy slippers.. and a giant head..  he dj’ the event.. and we handed out prizes.. and candy.. and gift cards.. and drinks.. and we ate.. and it was a great time.. we were joined by the Colbys  Frieda and Frietz and it was a great night!

these two are so much fun.. and everybody enjoyed them. especially one girl in particular;)  we danced.. and ate.. and I called it a night.. came home buzzing.. and slept.. and even though Olive doesn’t wake up in the night anymore.. it was such a nice feeling to know that I definitely would not be disturbed.. 

We woke up this morning.. went and cleaned up our mess at Bostons.. which apparently involved foot prints on the bar top ?! and headed over for some brunch.. where our bear bear was brought to us.. and she was cuddle-icious.. if this is all it takes to get iron clad hugs and kisses from a child.. than someone can take her away once a week ;)  we are all now about to nap and rejuvenate.. carve our pumpkin.. and head out for some trick or treats.. and I am thanking the weather gods for this beautiful sunshine! I don’t even need sunshine.. just no rain please! than we will do our annual Chinese food dinner while watching horror “movies” with the lights off! 

I love the holidays :)

and because our manager looked so stinking awesome! I am posting his photo!

pictures of the bear bear to come :)

happy halloween!!

why do I do that to myself..

October 29th, 2010

so yesterday I was scrolling through my new gourmet channels..  aka.. anything over channel 19.. and came across The Omen.. the updated one with Julia stiles.. and i was all cozy on the couch and thought.. why not.. its been a while since I watched a horror movie.. and I remember it being notthat scary..  flash forward to midnight.. when i still wasn’t asleep and so incredibly hot under the down comforter.. but refusing to let my toes or legs see the light of day..  I don’t know why I do that to myself.. 

last night we had a real treat.. and I am not talking about the bowl ofhalloween candy perched in my foyer that I keep trying to resist..  the daddy came home at 7:00.. yes.. 7:00.. and we had an impromptu homemade pizza family night.. it has been a while since I have had a homemade pizza.. and it was perfect.. and our new little helper did quite an amazing job.. no spills.. put the cheese on for us.. and even ate all my toppings off my pizza.. so it ended up being just a meat and cheese.. but who am I to turn down a 21 pound waif who is actually eating olives and green pepper chunks.. so she was given access.. Dustin’s pizza however looked like a circus act of colour and toppings.. but who was I kidding.. I love cheese and meat ;)

and yes.. I was just out of frame waiting for the roll-off.. 

like usual.. I loaded mine with way to much cheese.. which ended up burning in the oven and setting the smoke detector off 6 times.. but all in the name for extra cheese.. right!?  this picture also brings me to my next segway.. Olives first christmas jammies of the year!! there they are.. red..rudolph.. two piece old man pjs.. they looked so stinkin cute.. she has worn them the last two nights.. 

I think she is thinking.. please mom.. bring christmas into our house.. there is already egg nog in the fridge :)

I am jealous of my Canadian friends who don’t have to wait to decorate.. not that anyone is forcing me.. but because our thanksgiving is at the end of november.. people judge.. yes.. they judge for the tree being up.. and Aaron Neville blasting through the windows.. 

guess who is back in our house.. well.. working now again.. this guy..

Pizza Elmo! when I was at Baby’s r Us daily before Olive was born.. Dustin was fortunate enough to be dragged there from time to time.. and the only thing he ever commented on was this guy.. he wanted Olive to have him.. how could I say no.. he sings.. the pizza sings.. the song gets stuck in your head for days..  and I thought Olive had just run its course and broke the part where the arm comes down for the pizza to sing.. it never occurred to me to actually try some new batteries.. and this morning we did.. and the pizza is back.. and he is now Olives new best friend.. they kiss.. and hug.. and play peek a boo.. this morning when she was “running away” with my purse to go for a walk alone.. she said her goodbyes to me and Elmo.. and was on her way.. of course she only made it to the baby gate.. but it made my heart melt..  i fear the day that she actually “runs away”.. gulp.. 

SAHM’s..

October 28th, 2010

 I did not know that that meant stay at home mom.. until I became one.. well briefly for a couple months.. and I know how many times I sat there.. trying to think of ways to make money so I didn’t have to leave the house..easy right?!

well.. I have these two amazing friends in the Canadas.. Val and Lindsey and they have just joined forces to creat an amazing company..  I joined their link yesterday on facebook and my mouth hit the floor.. and I wanted to share it with my friends and family that don’t have a facebook.. because I am all about supporting woman who are trying to make a difference and support their famalias! 

and this is what they make..

orange cider.. mojito.. candy cane swirl..

naked baby goatsmilk.. chai spice.. cinnamon

lavender vanilla.. chocolate brownie.. vanilla latte..

seriously! how beautiful are these soaps.. all handcrafted.. made from scratch.. and chemical free!! I am one of those people who will actually lick the chocolate brownie one in the shower.. I know it! They are based out of the lower mainland.. mission/abbotsford area.. and how convenient for Christmas and gifts!! and the best part.. they are only $5.00!! 

who wouldnt love recieving one of these in a stocking.. or rubbing chai spice all over their body christmas day! yes please..  

their email address is true_earth_essentials@hotmail.com

We all need to support our stay at home mamas out there!!!

wal-martians..

October 27th, 2010

since i have lived in the americas.. I have become a target-onian..  what I will do when I move home.. one may never know.. but I am sure bellingham runs will be made all the time! but today.. I went to walmart.. it is 2 minutes up the street.. and it took me 2 hours just to get out of the house.. so.. why not.. 

today was not our day to be in public.. my little meltdown princess is on fire lately! we had 5 tantrums in one hour at walmart.. I think it is safe to say. olive has never had a public tantrum before.. because this one almost gave me an anxiety attack.. she refused to go in the cart.. therefore kicking her shoe 10 feet away into the shopping cart section.. seriously.. 10 feet.. so she walked beside the cart.. and in my world..walmart is way to busy and cluttered for her to be walking.. so I tried the cart again.. which led to fit 2… than she had to touch everything in the toy aisle.. no shocker there.. than she wanted a bottle.. and halloween “treats”.. and finally by the checkout.. I was done! it took everything in me not to utter the words.. “does Olive want some chocolate?” but I flash forward 5 years when all olive wants is chocolate to do anything.. so I went for an even lower route.. walmart mc. donalds.. “olive want some chicken nuggets?” I mean.. it was lunch time anyways ;) and yes.. she did want nuggets.. we made it back to the car in once piece.. and came home.. and straight to bed.. where she has been conked out for 3 hours.. 

we are trying some diaper free time in this house again.. maybe a little more potty training.. and apparently her diapers held her pants up.. cause she kept saying..”mama.. pants?”  and I would look over.. and they would be around her ankles.. at least I got to stare at the cutest bum in the world!

yes.. she has one shoe on.. they are “cousin heidis” and she struts around in them so proud to be wearing them.. 

10

you gave me one taste.. now I want more..

October 26th, 2010

I am talking about you work! I have had many a day off this last month due to illness.. and now that I am getting back into the swing of things again.. I am realizing how much I liked it.. and I want more.. ;)  I just love being bundled up in the house.. with these crazy wind storms we have had down here.. cold weather and rain..  I love it all.. I did a quick trip to the grocery store.. and saw these fun little bath crayons that I knew olive would love.. she asks for a bath every day now.. and I wanted to throw something new into the mix.. I finally remembered to take my camera up there this time.. mostly because the daddy was there so I could leave the bathroom for one second.. and let me tell you.. the crayons were a hit.. 

ok.. let me really tell you! they were to big of a hit.. she did not want out.. normally the prospect of getting out of the bath to blow dry her own hair works every time..  but not today.. she wanted to color.. and when she woke up at 10:30 pm that night.. whats the first thing she asked for? “bath crayons” ran to the bath tub.. and started to colour again..  I am now waiting for the day where she draws on my actual walls with her regular crayons because it was so encouraged earlier…

and with all my snap-happy-ness.. I came across this photo. which I wasn’t aware I had even snapped.. and it scared me.. I flashed forward 14 years when this would be her and I in a conversation.. 

no mom.. you dont know what I am talking about.. 

oy veh

celebration.. success..

October 23rd, 2010

so last night was the dinner.. it was good.. it didn’t start until 8pm.. but I was able to keep my eyes open the whole time..  we started in the cocktail lounge.. with the piano man.. and enjoyed some faux cocktails.. while my stomach growled for food.. they had a nice little 3 list spirit free cocktail list.. so I was able to join in.. 

we enjoyed conversations.. and waited patiently for our table to be ready.. 

we were than ushered to our table.. where we were treated like royalty.. there were four sets of hands and arms coming at us in every direction..  crumbs were removed.. glasses were filled.. and my water glass never went under the half way mark..  we all started off with our appies.. mine being the truffle fries.. how could I resist.. 

its ironic because my one food aversion so far is grease.. and I ordered fries! but I man’d up and  waved through it.. we than all had our amazing Canlis salad.. amazing really is an understatement.. ice cold romaine.. fresh mint shavings.. smoked bacon.. olive oil crusted croutons.. fresh Parmesan cheese.. and this wonderful lemon olive oil vinaigrette.. it was heaven..  there was no picture taken.. because I dove in head first.. 

we toasted to Barbie with a glss of chardonay.. she always liked a nice bottle of white.. and I let some touch my tongue.. but barely tasted it.. I cant justify an alcohol taste in the first trimester.. I am creating fingernails and eye lids here people.. it felt to weird.. 

that was my glass of chardonnay..

our entrees arrived.. and I had my gnocchi and black truffles.. i was beyond way to stuffed to eat.. but I managed to take down 3 of them.. at 40 bucks a plate.. I had to..  I did however kick it up a notch when desert came.. I made myself.. because I wasn’t enjoying any cocktails.. I always seem to justify desert.. creme brulee with the most crazy wild kiwi flavored sorbet I had ever had.. one touch of the taste buds.. and they literally exploded.. if anyone working would have saw me eating it.. they probably would have thought I wasn’t enjoying myself.. but I was!

we cheers’d.. we talked.. we laughed.. we cried.. we enjoyed a great woman’s life and told stories about her past.. we reminisced and talked about if she was here and what ifs.. we brought her presence to the table that night and lived for her.. 

these events are slowly turning into more celebratory occasions.. and less gut-churning events.. we still miss her like crazy.. and just wish for her to be here.. but it is getting a little bit easier.. it will be 6 years this November.. and it is wild to think of what has happened in 6 years.. I truly believe that Barbie lived such an amazing fun filled life because she knew she had limited time on this earth.. I know her and Ronnie found each other when they were only 14 for that same reason.. now a days.. most people don’t even meet until their late 20s.. and they got all this extra time to fall in love.. and court.. and just know each other..  my father in law told me on my wedding night.. that barbie told him that she knew me and Dustin would marry one day.. it melted my heart.. its one of my wedding highlights.. 

Barbie lived well.. so we could live well. and I thank her for giving birth to my husband and letting me fall in love with her wonderful family she raised.. I only hope I raise my kids a fraction of how she raised hers.. and I will be just fine!

c’est la vie..

October 22nd, 2010

today.. when Olive started squealing in her room before the 8am hour.. which never happens.. I was in Paris.. yes.. on a family vacation with Chevy Chase none the less.. but I was there.. and I was taking photos of the Eiffel tower with my point and click and loving every moment.. than I woke up in Mill Creek, WA which was definitely not  Paris.. 

tonight is the night! my babysitter is coming.. and me and Dust are essentially going on our first date in a year :0 sad really..  and we are going to celebrate Barbies 60th in style :)

truffle fries.. here I come!!

trick or treat..

October 21st, 2010

both of olives Halloween costumes are here.. we had to order a second one.. because of course.. the first one was to big.. story of olives life.. we even ordered an 18-24 month.. so we ordered a different second one ( 12 month ) and it is here.. and it is cute.. and you will have to wait until October 31st for pictures ;) I still want to hit up another pumpkin patch.. maybe a new one.. my sister always talks about hers.. way up in Vernon.. that make these apple slushy drinks.. and I would love to try one.. but that is a bit far.. 

I just got my 10th email of the day about some baby product that was recalled.. what is going on here people! we are all going to be bubble wrapping our children and keeping them at home for the first 10 years.. you cant put them in slings.. swings.. cribs.. and now strollers! 

that is my mama on the right.. 

look at that jewel! I would love one of those now.. and I am sure it never even had a seat belt.. 

so I woke up today.. and well.. of course the first thing that popped in my head was milk.. no surprise there.. I had another ice cream dream last night..  but than I thought back to the egg nog latte.. I want more.. is it dangerous that I found it this early.. well.. we can ask my waist line in January ;) time to shut down this keyboard.. my baby is still sleeping off her little cold.. and than we are going to go for a walk.. I find it helped me yesterday.. and I want a repeat.. and we will be walking with a pregnant woman who is 4 days past her due date.. so it wont be fast paced.. 

Happy Thursday!

eat it Starbucks..

October 20th, 2010

ok.. I don’t actually mean that.. I love them.. I always will.. and if some president of Starbucks is reading this.. I take it back.. but today I strolled into my favorite local coffee shop.. just with the intentions of buying a bagel.. and there it was.. on October 20th.. an egg nog latte.. my first one of the season.. I didn’t even get it cut with milk.. just nog.. and it was good..  no roll out date.. no end date.. its just there.. as long as the grocery stores carry it.. and it was heaven.. decaf.. but heaven..  and the best news of the day. I felt good enough to go to the coffee shop..  we went for a mini walk.. and I never felt like death.. it was monumental.. 

who knows what tomorrow holds!

9

Canlis..

October 19th, 2010

Friday.. we go HERE..  sans children.. only because I think it is illegal there ;) to celebrate a great woman’s 60th birthday.. and this was one of her favorite Seattle restaurants.. I have only been there once before.. and I still think about the truffle oil fries.. we will live.. we will laugh.. and we will love.. because she did all those things very well..  we will raise a glass to a wonderful woman who is with us in spirit and memories.. and in our children’s souls.. we will tell stories about her.. and share as a family.. we will drink wine.. well.. I wont.. but we will eat amazing famous salads.. and I will find the one thing on the menu that isn’t seafood.. and I will enjoy every bite.. and I will order desert.. and I will enjoy the evening..  I think about her everyday.. and how much fun her and olive would have shopping.. and playing.. and on her birthday.. we will think about her even more! because that’s what you do with amazing people.. you re-tell their stories.. and envy their lives.. and hold them in your heart and thoughts.. and just wish for one more minute with them..  if barbies two feet were still walking around this earth.. there is no doubt we would be on a plane to Vegas.. but on Friday.. we will enjoy her favorite glass of red.. and fill our tummys with a nice warm meal.. and think about her.. and just be together :)

it will be amazing.. 

back in the day..

October 18th, 2010

ahh.. just remembering back in the beginning.. when this was our morning.. afternoon and night.. cuddles.. blankies.. and more cuddles.. although my baby never slept.. which she never did.. our days were filled with walks.. hanging out and a lot of one on one time.. she was my sweet little 5lb 11oz bundle of goodness..

fast forward to this week..

this picture may be old.. but it speaks the truth ;)  I have now contaminated the whole household.. and have 3 babies to take care.. except now she doesn’t want to be held.. and if I attempt a walk.. I carry her the whole time because she is tired.. and our blankies are actually snot rag receiving blankets..  I am praying for some health sanity on this house.. and soon I hope.. 

for the start of this pregnancy.. all I have wanted is dairy.. milk.. ice cream.. anything.. my baby is in dire need of some calcium.. and I try to fill its needs when i can.. although.. who am I kidding.. I wake up in the morning thinking of a giant glass of milk.. and I can feel the glands on both sides of my tongue salivate.. and I cant run to the fridge fast enough.. and last night.. my dreams were no different.. my whole dream was me and my sister sitting at mc.donalds.. and I ordered a extra large ice cream cone.. and I had exactly enough change to pay for it.. I remember counting it out for 5 minutes.. I asked my sister to hold it while I got in the car.. we than flash forward to someones house.. where she has taken my ice cream cone and turned it into a vodka smoothie.. I start yelling and raging at her how she always does stuff like this.. than I wake up.. I am now dreaming of dairy products.. and I actually woke up mad at her.. 

I think I need some more rest ;)

pumpkin patch round 1..

October 17th, 2010

50% of that little belly was the best pumpkin bar I have ever had ;)

I say round one for many a reason.. one.. we forgot the stroller.. which I thought would be ok.. but I was not anticipating the 1000 people that would be there.. which brings me to number 2.. going to a pumpkin patch.. on a Sunday.. after the church rush.. because my sickey little household couldn’t get their act together before noon.. we never arrived at the patch until the one o’clock hour.. which is apparently when us and the 1000 people who were literally at the pumpkin patch joined together to find pumpkins.. it was a mad house.. we almost turned around.. but the weather was kind.. and we were there.. so we tried it out.. we finally found parking.. and walked the football length to the farm.. it took me 20 minutes just to buy a bottle of water.. and the hot dog line was 5 rows of 50 men deep.. so I stuck to a pumpkin bar.. which was amazing.. but it wasn’t a fair/farm-ville hot dog.. we walked around some more.. and realized also.. that we couldn’t carry olive and a couple giant pumpkins all the way to the car.. so we vowed to be back.. or pick them them up at Safeway this year ;)

we did have a great time.. in this nice sunny fall weather.. olive ran off some energy.. saw tons of airplaines.. and tapped on pumpkins like a set of drums.. 

we will be back.. perhaps on a monday.. when things are a little less out of control.. 

now both our little unborn babes have been to The Farm pumpkin patch even before they stepped foot on this earth.. and until we make the apple barn in abbotsford our home stomping ground.. this will do.. it is an insane farm with a pig show.. caramel apples.. pumpkins.. corn maze.. petting zoo.. putting grounds.. and lots of yummy delicious baked goods of anything pumpkin.. I told myself some sweet little old lady with a 50 year old recipe baked those goods.. because they tasted like perfection I tell you.. I would have taken a picture.. but it wasn’t around long enough to be snapped.. 

caaaaaaable guy…

October 16th, 2010

today is a big day in the Haffner-Bruce house.. which by the way.. I keep forgetting to legally change my name :0 but.. on another note.. I have a cable company coming to my house from 3-5 today.. and we are upgrading our cable! the time has come.. I am done living with 20 crappy channels.. I want food networks.. and crappy E TV.. and Will and Grace back in my life.. it has been 2 years  since I have had it.. and i am ready.. especially with all this couch time I have been logging lately.. 

my poor oli bear has caught my cold..  she is sick.. and coughing.. and really cranky :(   I woke up this morning after a full wake less night.. feeling a lot better.. although.. nothing compares to yesterdays crap fest.. so today I felt great! I started week old laundry piles.. I put away 2 week laundry piles.. I put away toys.. and unloaded dishwashers.. it felt good..  I may even venture out of the home and do something.. although.. I wont hold my breath for that one.. 

it is time to get this house in halloween order! I am really surprised proud of myself for not bringing Halloween chocolate bars into the house yet.. I love them.. I see Reese Pieces commercials and contemplate is daily.. i walk down the grocery store aisle and just stare at what I would buy..  I of course have to bring SOME into the home.. I had a handful of trick or treaters last year.. and I would have been embarrassed if I was that house with NO candy.. and they scored giant handfuls of loot because lord knows.. I didn’t need that in my house.. 

I am excited for our 4th annual Halloween night here at the haffner-brucehousehold.. we take olive trick or treating from 5-7 in the town center.. we grab take out.. (it used to be chinese.. but we cant find a good one in this area)  we rent old Goosebumps and Are you afraid of the dark tv shows on I tunes..

put on our sweats..  turn off all the lights but keep the orange pumpkins glowing.. and just chill and hand out candy to the older kids that are still out scoring loot..  and yes.. I actually get scared from the children’s TV shows.. they get me every time.. 

it is going to be great!!

the last supper..

October 15th, 2010

well.. our last supper had a lot less people.. and no wine.. but it was special none the less.. before my friend was even with child.. we started a ladies night.. every Thursday.. after Dust got off work.. and it just evolved into me and Dom.. eating appies.. both talking about trying to get pregnant.. and than heading home.. I didn’t know it would last as long as it did.. there were only a few times that were ever missed.. usually Canada was to blame.. but we made it happen.. and I looked forward to it all week.. even when Thursday rolled around.. and I was tired.. and didn’t think I would make it until 8pm..  we always headed out and had a great time.. 

my friend is now about to have her baby.. (2 days?!) and we decided that last nights dinner would be the last.. until she grouped together a baby routine.. and felt good enough to get together again.. which would probably be us at home.. ordering pizza for the next little while..  we were also supposed to go to a friends birthday dinner in Seattle last night.. but when I woke up with another raging head cold.. (this is going on 3 weeks now people).. I knew I couldn’t make it downtown.. i cancelled the night.. and sat at home wishing I didn’t have to.. I than realized that she is going to have her baby soon.. and there is no getting our night back.. so I told her that I could be sick here.. or I could be sick 2 minutes from my house.. we were having our last supper.. 

we kicked it up a notch and headed to Capri.. this really beautiful Italian restaurant in the town center.. two minutes from where I live.. and every time I go there.. I wonder why I don’t go there more..  caprese salad to start? yes please.. 

homemade fettucini alfredo.. why not! and than we splurged and finished off with desert.. and it was good.. It actually felt like we were on a date.. romantic music.. walls of wine bottles.. beautiful sculptures.. and than about 20 minutes in .. this really loud grass blues trio started to play.. the front door said “piano bar” but this seemed to be a special night.. 

I was already fighting a leaky faucet in my nose.. and my eyes were almost blurry from the cold.. and now I was competing with a really loud bad.. so we ate.. and ate.. and pushed past all the “IM FULL” brain signals.. and just sat there.. two stuffed preggo woman.. trying not to throw up this great meal we just ate.. and let me tell you.. I almost came close.. 

we ate.. quickly paid.. and made out way out into the fresh air.. hoping to make it the one block to my home.. Its like my brain turned on a signal that I was home again.. and this raging head cold took over my whole body.. my head aches.. my body aches..my nose poured.. I have a really deep cough that burned all night.. and me and Olive just had cough attacks all night..  I am now sitting here.. sounding like Dorothy from the Golden girls.. sipping on hot tea.. and getting ready to dive into this really yummy peanut butter banana bread that luella left on my door step.. perfect timing I may add.. because I don’t have the energy to pour cheerios in a bowl this morning.. I may just grab the butter out of the fridge and grab thegiant banana bread.. and just go for it..  and throw Olive my scraps ;) I need to mentally turn this day around.. because work beckons at 3:30.. and it is taking everything in me not to call out.. 

Olive was the biggest riot yesterday. after we set up Halloween decorations.. she decided to “look pretty” in anything she could find in my drawers.. 

I am a likely candidate.. and apparently.. this turned into Olives birth story..

October 13th, 2010

My very sweet nurse Keely informed me that if I wanted to.. I am a high candidate for a VBAC..  when she asked.. she thought I wouldn’t be interested.. and when she saw my face light up like a Christmas tree.. she began giving me some information.. I than went into my spiel about how I felt ripped off from Olives birth.. especially while she was asking me questions about how long I labored and fun stuff like that..  when I inserted the answer ZERO.. she looked sad for me.. I exercised daily.. I did my kegels and yoga breathing.. and it was all for nothing.. ok.. not nothing.. but I felt ripped off.. I wanted to walk the halls of the hospital.. I wanted to use the labor balls and squat racks.. our beautiful hospital was equipped with all this magical stuff to get your baby out.. and I just walked in.. at my 37 week appointment.. in an outfit that I actually threw out.. because that day horrifies me so.. it was my first technical day of maternity leave.. (the day before was thanksgiving) and I was about to get this appointment “out of the way” than i was going to get enough groceries to stock my house.. and rent some movies.. and do nothing! I had worked full time on my feet until than.. and I was ready for some Kacey time.. 

change of plans.. 

I went to my 10:00 appointment.. and lucky me.. I had this really nice ultrasound tech that was training on my first appt with her.. and now she was on her own.. and so nice.. and than I saw the look on her face.. she was to new to hide it.. she said she would be right back.. 45 minuted later.. I started to pace the room.. I knew something was wrong.. she came back out and asked me to wait in the waiting room.. gulp.. this sweet nurse came out and asked me to drive to triage.. (yes.. get in a car and drive) I told the lady straight out that she had to tell me what was going on .. I was a big girl.. and I needed to know.. she pulled me aside.. and told me my baby was breach.. insert WTF here.. and in almost no fluid..  I instantly burst into tears.. and called dust to get here.. NOW.. NOW.. NOW.. bring my bag and hurry.. I had to check myself into triage all alone and wait to hear what was going to happen.. I was also a gestational diabetes candidate.. and it was now 4 hours since I had ate anything.. and my raging headache.. and blurry eye spots were starting to kick in..  I fortunately had a really nice nurse who told me what was going on.. she said they were going to turn the baby! like it was easy breezy.. I told her she didn’t have to lie to me.. turning something inside my uterus did not sound easy.. she than told me it wasnt.. but I had the best dr who was going ot do it.. (for the record.. I know my doctor.. and he as the biggest man hand bear claws I had ever seen.. and I knew it was going to hurt).. so I started to brace myself for lying on my back at 37 weeks.. and someone reefing on my belly.. ok.. I could do this.. than I would go home.. enjoy my 3 weeks off.. and come back later and have her! um.. no.. I was finally able to see him.. and he walks in.. and right away.. just gives me two options.. he is nota small talk man.. 

Hi Kacey.. so I can attempt to turn her.. and it will throw you into an emergency C section.. or I will turn her.. you will go home.. and in about  a week.. you will wonder why you cant feel her.. and she will be a still born..  so we are taking her out today.. 

this is me.. not impressed.. 

umm.. say what?! I burst into tears.. and he just looks at me like I am crazy.. “I thought you wanted to have a baby? why are you crying”.. It was at that time that I didn’t go into my kegel exercise natural drug free birth plan.. I knew what was coming..  I made a few choppy calls to my family.. apparently there is limited cell reception in triage.. they gowned me up.. and I waited.. I cant remember if I called my sister or my mom first.. but I remember telling my sister to be brutally honest with me..  I work better with details.. 

everything is going to be fine! seriously.. it will be ok.. your baby will be here.. and you just saved your vagina.. 

I didn’t care about my vagina.. I wanted to labor and rock star this baby into the world..  fast forward 6 long excruciating hours of no food.. no juice or beverage.. I think I was going into diabetic shock.. but there were some more serious c sections ahead of mine.. so I wasn’t about to complain to the nurses..  it was my version of hell.. I hate hospitals.. I usually don’t visit people when they are in them.. I hate the smell.. the fear.. everything.. so I sat in my room.. ready to walk myself onto the operating table.. crying the whole time.. I can barely look at the photos from that time.. a nurse came in all excited.. “its your turn! come on in” I burst into tears.. and Dustin just looked at me like he wanted to scoop me up and run away.. and I had to walk in alone.. I begged for them to let him come in.. but no.. apparently men get angry and hurt nurses to much.. so it was just me.. I walked myself in..  and I remember 4 nurses came running up to me to hug me.. cause I looked so sad.. one really nice woman named bonnie held me while I had the spinal.. it was hell.. they than toss you on the bed.. and start prepping.. they were very happy and playing.. and I think I may of had the best anesthesiologist in the world. this sweet old woman who was so kind.. I specifically told her I didn’t want to be nauseous and I didn’t want to not remember anything.. and let me tell you.. that woman did her job right.. they strapped me to the table.. and I started my panic attack breathing.. counting the roof tiles.. one by one.. than multiplying them to get a total.. over and over.. I kept asking dust to just talk to me about anything.. and he panicked and couldn’t think of a word to say..  

both my hands than formed “the claw” and I asked my dr why this was happening.. he just came over and made direct eye contact.. and held my hand like he was my dad and told me to relax.. its what happens when anxiety meets a spinal.. he let go of them.. and they formed right back into claws.. I looked up and saw my innards.. they hadn’t put the sheet up over my head high enough.. and I saw my reflection in the giant operating room lights..  my Dr kept saying.. “she is almost here”just look over there.. that’s where she will be”  10 minutes later.. she was out.. I looked over.. and just had this weird sense.. that I knew she was mine.. I heard her cry.. than I asked the Dr.. if this was almost over.. and he kept trying to direct my attention to the right where Olive flailed and screamed.. but I honestly didn’t care.. I wanted out of that room.. he promised me 10 more minutes of surgery.. and I would be out.. they brought her over to me.. where I met her for the first time..  and was able to give her a kiss.. and look at my little monkey baby.. and she was freaking tiny..

she was a loud baby from the start.. 

they finished up and wheeled us to the recovery room.. which is where my body went into intense sweats trying to adjust to all the hormones that just came out of my body. they asked if I wanted to hold her. but I didn’t trust myself.. I was numb from the neck down.. with claw hands.. I was not about to drop my new love bug on the floor.. so Dust held her.. while my body started to de-tingle.. I did have a really nice nurse who came up and told me “she didn’t think I was a bad parent cause I didn’t want to hold her” geez.. thanks.. now I am a bad parent.. and I am only 10 minutes into this journey..  my Dr than let 5 of our family members into the recovery room right away..gulp..   and they met Olive.. while I just lied there in pure hell.. thinking I was going to die.. and never walk again.. my hands than calmed down and I felt confident enough to take olive.. actually the Dr insisted on it.. he said it was our time to bond now.. and everyone left.. we were than wheeled up to our room on the 4th floor.. the c section recovery room floor.. and I remember clear as day.. walking by the nurses station.. and Dustin and mine Christmas song came on.. it has always been our song.. and it was playing.. right there.. I know it was meant to be.. from some higher power.. putting me in my place.. telling me to lock it up.. I now had everything I ever wanted.. I was a mama.. and I had my babies with Dustin.. and well.. it was almost Christmas.. that is 3 for 3.. as George Michael’s Last Christmas played for me.. I looked up and just saw Dustin’s giant “thumbs up” above my face.. and i knew I was going to be ok.. 

I than called my sister the next day.. or maybe she called me.. I remember saying.. you lied to me.. that was hell.. and all she said was.. “Im sorry.. I had to”

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